On this 40^th anniversary of the Apollo moon landings, I wonder why I am still alive?  I find myself still missing Christine a lot, probably more this year than any time in the past ½ decade or more than that even.  Her loss was so great to me, that I didn’t even last 2 years before I killed myself over being without her.  If I didn’t want to live 2 years without her, what makes anyone think I’ve wanted the past 15 years without her?

Although I have changed careers and become the teacher I was meant to be, that I was told to be, as long as almost 30 years ago, I find myself yearning to be with Christine again.  No longer  does my job provide me a reason for living; not after all the opportunities I have blown since losing Lauren in 2003.  Since she said goodbye, I blew the doctorate, left Gina and her awesome kids – (even Raymond, the only kid to actually call me “dad”).  Crying even now as I write this.  Then blew my job out west, the career I had always wanted and the opportunity to help shape a brand new teacher prep program.  Blew that.  Went back to part time teaching, looking for full time work.  Found an opportunity to earn a K-12 license while teaching in the classroom, at no cost to me.  Jumped at the chance.  Within a few months, blew that too.  Various reasons like not liking living in the remote bush, without the conveniences I need, such as a car, McDs, shopping, the mall, and people and clubs and the like.  And of course, my time there was not without problems.  My classroom management – discipline was sucked.  A huge part of that though was my own internal battle over my hatred of all things authoritarian.  I have fought authority my entire life, since I was young, believing firmly in free will, freedom to choose, and natural law – that as human beings we are free to do what we want and how we want to live, as long as no one is getting hurt.  So, to go from that entire life long history, to suddenly have to be disciplinarian, was foreign to me, even though I teach some of the elements of it in teacher prep classes.  What was worse was that internally, I understood the psychology of the high school students, many of whom in my research I conducted indicated they had low self esteem, vying for power, attention, a voice, and a chance to grow and develop their own unique identities, at the same time of seeing just how much they could get away with.  It did not help matters, that we had a new principal, whom I immediately allied myself with, and considered to be an excellent mentor, whom instituted new rules, and wanted them all enforced.  His goal was to make the classroom a place for learning, something previous heads had worked against.  While I supported this, and made every effort to conform, it alienated the students.  This I hated, because my entire career, I have viewed being a teacher role as “friend” among other roles.  Now, I had to become someone I was not, a dictator in essence in the classroom.  Even while laughing on the inside as to the antics the student were doing, I still had to reign in discipline and make the occasional sacrificial example of a student here and there.   I will say, that nearly ever y single day for me, was a laughing day, because of the individual personalities exhibited by my students.  Even those that hated me, I still laughed at inside, as they sought to undermine my rule of law in the classroom.  Still, I miss very much being out in Alaska.  The most beautiful of all the states I have ever been to.  And if I could make a difference with anyone, it would have been with those kids.  Those 8-12 graders of mine, really could have used someone that cared about them, and that was there for them, to improve their self esteem, build success, and let them know that not all us new teachers were assholes.  And yet, to maintain discipline, I became in essence, the very thing I hated most – authoritarian.  Still, I did try to help out, and laughed at every opportunity to do so.  What I began to notice towards the end though, was a radical shift in attitudes of certain students, many of whom were decent students, and have a lot of potential.  As students were sent to the principal, some on a repeat basis, some students thought it wasn’t fair how certain peers were being singled out, seemingly unfairly.  These good students, started skipping class, stopped taking notes, and wanted to transfer to other classes.  I understand exactly where they were coming from, and even wrote some papers on it for my Cultural Studies class at University of Alaska- Fairbanks – (4.0 baby!).

I did try to form some personal connections, showing some students I cared about them by taking on the role of a mentor of  sorts, or at least trying to.  There were some students I was willing to go out of my way to help, those that had a troubled past, or had some kind of addiction, or whatever, that had the abilities to go far, if they just cared and applied themselves.  So I tried real hard to be there to make that difference to them, to show them that as their teacher, I cared not just about their success as students, but what happened to them post high school.  I wanted to encourage those I thought could go far, to attend college, and make a difference.  I tried.  I feel so awful, that I was unable to complete my duties there and to make the very difference I had gone there for.

While I was there to get my cert and gain some classroom experience in a real world setting so I can be a better teacher educator – my career choice since first becoming a teacher, I also was there to make a difference in their lives, to make them better people, to push them to academic success, and to encourage them to go to college and beyond.  What I did not expect, though I totally understand the context of it once it was blurted out, was a comment one student – a good student at one time, but whose grades plummeted after peer pressure and influences by the wrong crowd, led to an amazing awful exchange, I was unprepared for.

“Since when did this become a white school?”

That one comment one day, blew me away.  I stood at my desk, silent, a loss for words for a few moments when I heard it, then moved on without comment.  But on the inside, and when I got home, I cried, and still cry to this very day.  I did not travel 4000 miles, to live in the bush, without a phone, internet, a car, and pretty much everything else as a true suburbanite I lived for missing, to hear such bullshit.  As I wrote in my paper to UAF, I truly understand this backlash that occurred.  Most of the high school staff were newbies, and most were white folks, from the cities far away from Alaska (with a few prominent and excellent exceptions).  So here we were, outsiders totally, with a new principal, instituting brand new rules that the high schoolers had never had in their 4 years as students there.  It was their first time with rules like this.  I can understand the psychology absolutely the students thinking, and from their perspective, I totally see what was said as a relevant, legitimate complaint.  However, to play the racial card, was crap to me, and rather than find it empowering, I found it totally demoralizing.  With that one quote, I lost my reason for being there.  I felt like I wasn’t wanted there, and so I administered a post assess survey consisting of some 30-40 questions, about what student thought of me, whether they wanted changes, and gave them a voice that can be heard about their complaints.  While I expected to receive low scores, and a quick excuse to boogie on out of there, I was actually surprised that the majority of the students did not feel the way that one student felt.  Still, it was a unrecoverable event, one that has scarred me deeply I think about working in a situation where I am such an outsider.  I probably will not consider doing so again, for I don’t want to give anyone an excuse to play such a bullshit hand as she did in front of the other students.  Its unfortunate, now, for it limits me as to where I am looking for work, whom I want to work with, and so on.  All because of one bad apple, whom tot be honest, was just expressing dissatisifaction with all the changes that occurred, and the total domination by foreigners and outsiders into their school.  I do understand entirely.  But it does still make me cry to this day, and for that, I won’t put myself in such a situation again where such a potential issue will occur.  Bummer.

I miss those students.  I didn’t get to see them graduate, and have no ideas what their plans are now.  I know they probably think I’m just another loser asshole teacher from afar that came and went, but I really care and still do about them.  I went there to make a difference to be sure, but didn’t do what I had hoped.  All I ended up doing was probably reinforcing their preconceived stereotypes of the white man.

On a related note, I am fortunate enough to be back teaching as a part timer again.  But the pay is such shit, and the lack of benies, the lack of being paid on time, the lack of input on course development, and other professional duties has me demoralized.  My job the past decade has saved my life.  With the loss of Christine Collins so hard for me to bear, even today, only by making a difference at work, and doing my job well, has saved my life and keeps me going or gives me any reason for being.   But now that an entire decade has gone by, and still being a part timer once again, has me down.  No longer is there the job satisfaction I used to have.  Of course, I used to have 5+ classes per term, 2 or more of which were teacher prep classes.  Now, I’m down to 2 classes per term, maybe 3, and none have been teachers prep classes so far this year.  This fall, I might have one at SCC, but enrollment has been a historical issue of late there, since the department changed the requirements and decided to no longer promote and support the geography side of instruction.  So, from a professional standpoint, I have been a dismal failure, having quit and blown everything I’ve tried since December 2003.  I’m not making the difference I was supposed to, and not being the teacher educator I went deeply in debt to be (for which those assholes are garnishing my wages to pay off the student loans – even those assholes cost me my PhD when they yanked my loans from me in 2005 !!!!!), and I find it a struggle to maintain enthusiasm for life, outside of the classroom.  When I only have classes 1 day per week, the other 6 days of the week become a effort in wasting time, and futility of life.  To me, as of this moment, I really feel that 6 of 7 days of the week are a total waste of time.  I’m wasting my life away, without enough classes that I went to school for to specifically teach – those of pre-service teachers prep classes.  SO when this much life is wasting time, one questions the value of life itself.

At 44 now, with not having been allowed to marry and have kids with whom I wanted to in my 20s, and certainly before I turned 40, I find that my life was wasted.  As great as a dad as I am to my friends kids, and to others that I would have married their mom (Gina and Christine in particular), it sucks not to have my own kids.  Given my extreme intellect I should have passed on my genes and breed long ago.  The closest I came was with Christine.. for  months and years after she dumped me and said she no longer cared about me (still kills me to very day), I thought we had kids together.  Didn’t find out til ’95 that we did not.  But given that not a single woman since then that I truly wanted to marry and have kids with could or wanted to have kids with me, as shown my time since losing Christine to be a waste.  From a purely darwinistic approach to evolution and success of a member of a species, success is measured on how many off spring one individual has.  Well, I had none.  And that truly sucks, hurts like hell, and makes me not want to even be here anymore.  Life has come and gone for me.  I was given a second chance in 1996, when I woke up after you know what.  To have been given a second chance at being alive, was a gift from God.  But to have gone this entire time now, with not one woman as perfect as Christine was to me, has me frankly pissed off.  I have no problem comparing the women I have been with since Christine to her.  I knew her my entire 20s pretty much, and came to love her like no one else before or since.  And I’ve met thousands of women since then, and aside from one in 2004, not a single woman has had the same personality, the same chemistry we had together, and was a hot as she was.  This is not to say I wouldn’t have married any of them since her.  To the contrary, Gina and I discussed it in 2005 before I left OSU, and I did offer it to some of my long term girlfriends.  But all it has done, has proved to me over time, that no matter how hard I try with the women I’ve known since losing her, that not one – not a single one, is as good as her, or gave a shit about me like she did (out of those I considered as potential mates).

So, where do things stand now?  Well, I’m done frankly.  I feel the same now, if not worse than I did in ’96.  Without my PhD, my teacher ed career, my k-12 license and time in the classroom still, and most of all – above all else, not having the love of the women I wanted to marry and have kids with, breaks my heart every single day.  I struggle to care and give a shit about anything anymore.  I sleep in til 3 pm sometimes, because there is no reason to wake up.  Its not like my wife is next to me to make out with in the morning, or to caress at night.  No, life to me  has become a burden to me, a wasted existence.  Being part time only aggrevates the situation, and makes me feel worse about myself and this life.  To have gone from doctoral student, to full time teacher educator, to being full time k-12 science teacher, and now back to part time is awful enough for me to deal with.  And yet, to top it off, is the daily thoughts of how life would have been had I married years ago whom I wanted to, and had at least 2-3 kids with them… years ago, not now, not tomorrow, but before I turned 30.

I could have had it all.  Little did I know Christine wanted me in the 80s, when we were just friends.  Her future husband, one of my good friends, even offered her to me before they got married.  Yeah, could have been my wedding, not theirs.  Had I been a good undergrad student, I could have gone on to my MS degree and beyond by 1990 or sooner.  I could have been teaching all these years, and would be looking forward to retirement in a decade from now.  That timeline didn’t happen, for various reasons, mostly my own fault.  I blew it with Christine, and knowing that it was my fault she tossed me away, makes it hard to deal with even today.  I’d so give up this life, to have had a life with her as my wife, and mother of our kids.

So I close this muse with more tears as usual.  I’ve lost my way here on Earth.  No longer do I dream of the future, let alone what each new day brings.  For me, my American Dream has died, and is buried in the past.  Now, not even my part time teaching job is enough to sally forth.  I am not doing what I was meant to do here.  I didn’t get to marry and have kids with those I truly loved, I can’t complete the doctorate for financial reasons, and I’m not teaching the classes or the students I should be.  I’m not even supposed to be back in this state (Alaska is where my heart is!).  I’m supposed to have married and had kids, supposed to have my phd, supposed to be a teacher educator, and supposed to be teaching middle school.  Without these basic needs, my time here can be over for all I care.

Recently I had a chance to reconnect with some of them, and yet, seems that Lauren wants nothing to do with me.  Considering she is in my top 4 women of all time, and certainly likely number 2 or 3 on the sexyness factor, crushes me again.  So, each day of life that goes by without the very women I want most, kills me inside a little more and more each passing wasted day.

well, this year has nearly come to a close. I have had a bad year, having left my full time professorship, losing my hybrid, and filing for bankruptcy. Not to mention, I continue to be turned down by all the women I have been hitting on as late. Seems, as I have no come to realize, that my life is over. I had plenty of opportunity to marry and have kids when I was younger, but now that I am 42, my life has passed me by. All the women of child bearing age, all are turning me down, because I am too (expletive deleted) old. Though my mental age, which has been stuck at 28, since I lost Christine L Collins, is no where near my physical age, my chronological age has caught up with me. Life truly passed me by. The most telling part that really depressed the shit out of me, and ruined this year (aside for me filing bankruptcy and losing my full time position), was while dating Denise, finding out she was interested in me to be a grandpa to her grandkids, and not to be a father, which is what motivates me for relationships. It was a huge disconnect, that led to our breaking up. I have yet to have any kids, and now that I’m old, realized I missed the best part of life… that of being a father. This I knew from the time of Christine. I was ready to be a dad with her, and just as much a dad as with Jennifer too. And yet, though I really identify my role to be a father, it alluded me because I kept blowing it with the women I loved. So, now that 14 years have passed since losing my greatest and in reality only real hope of having kids and marrying somone, I.e Christine L, I no longer have the opportunity I used to have when younger. The last true chance I had at being a dad was with Jennifer. All the women I have gone out with since then, with the exception of KC and Ariel, could not have kids – I.e Gina and Denise. So, I wasted my life. I truly did, as I have realized now, that with the enormity of passing time, there simply has been no one like Christine that gave a shit about me enough to go out with me and be my lover. The few women I have made love to since then, couldnt have kids. So, I hate this life. Not only is not having kids bad enough, but without my Ph.D, I am sunk and back to doing adjunct work, which directly resulted in my filing bankruptcy. So, I view the fallout of not getting the ABD or PhD as absolutely responsible for the way I was treated by the Department Head at TMCC, as well as my filing bankruptcy. Cause and effect you see.

So, where do I go from here? I could have had my wife and my own kids in my 20s. Along with a PhD by 1991, I should have married Christine when I had the chance to in the mid 1980s. Probably the biggest mistake in my life that I consciously did, was not going out with her and dating her, even though we were doing things like couples did so to speak. I was so out of it back then, so stupid back then, I was thinking of Trish and Michelle, and didn’t like the fact that Christine smoked, (even though later, she tasted pretty damn fine after smoking a cigarette before we started making out!). And if I had my shit together scholastically, I would have gone on to grad school in the 1980s, and been teaching for my 22^nd year or so. Think of the tenure and retirement I’d have!

I hate myself very much, for blowing the opportunity Christine presented to me, as well as Kelly and Jennifer and Lauren too. And I blew it with Christine not just once, but twice, for by the time I did become deeply involved and emotionally attached to her, it was too late, and I became too needy for her.

So, to this day, the last day I knew love, was Valentines Day 1994, a date that ruined my life. I have yet to recover from it, even now, some 14 year later, I still cry over losing my one true love of my life. Not one women of appropriate age bearing capacity has done for me what Christine did. No one as perfect personality wise, or a gorgeous as her sexyness has been mine since losing her either.  Which makes her loss, seem so very great. With each passing day of nothingness and lifelessness, without a girlfriend or a lover like her, that could eventually mate with me, I hate this life and myself more. Each passing day alone, makes me miss her more. Each night alone, makes me miss her legs, and kisses, and her soft sexy silky beautiful skin. She was the best thing that happened to me, in my entire life, aside from my teaching career. And I miss her so much. I’d die to be with her again.  Let her know, that to this very day, my love for her is stronger than ever, and my sense of loss, harder and harder to bear. I didnt want to be w/o her then, nor now.

Well, time keeps on ticking by, with no relief in sight. After losing Christine in 1994, I died. I truly did. Aside from my job, I haven’t had a reason for living since the day I lost her love for me. To this day, there has be no one like her that I loved that loved me. Though I’m in love with other women too, only Christine was the best. And to this day, she was the only chance I have had at having kids with. None of the other women that wanted to marry me, could have kids. Only Jennifer and Lauren were elligible and available for having kids with. So, its been 14 years now. Her birthday is coming up in a few months. If somehow, some way, she could find out, that I never ever stopped loving her, that i love her more then my life means to me, and that i miss her with all my soul, i could be happy again. I still dream of her, her kisses, her atop me, and her awesomeness. Her soft skin was irresistable to me, and i loved cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and making out.

I don’t ever expect to see her until in the afterlife. I blew it with her, that day, when i told her i wanted to spend my life with her. And with that, she threw me out the door, having gone too far I guess. And in her absence, i grow weak and weary of life.

i have a great job, but it no longer makes me happy enough. as my class schedule has been cut, and my doctoral degree dead, and my full time professorship gone, i no longer feel rewarded in life. having just gone through bankruptcy too, i feel like this life has been a waste. were it not for my job, the loss of Christine is too great to go on.

i am now getting older, and what really mattered in life, was whom i got to know, and whom i loved, and was loved by. And i discovered, as i knew the day i proposed to her, how much her love meant, still means, to me. Without her love, my own family, my own kids, my purpose in life has not been fulfilled, its empty, shallow.

Her love for me, ended the day she tossed me out the door. I havent heard from or seen her since then. I miss her much, and wish she knew, somehow, my love is as strong for her now, as it was then. i would still marry her, this day, if she ever were to love me again. but that is a foolish dream, a dream that will be unrealized until i see her again, someday, somewhere, after i leave this world, for here, she doesnt care about me at all. her last words to me, in 1994, were, she couldnt care about me anymore……after telling her that losing her kills me. well, it did, in 1995, i went into the hospital, and in 1996, decided to wake up no more.

i can only hope now, that somehow, someway, she learns my love never died. i dont expect anything from her, though i’ve always wondered if i had gotten her pregnant. some years later, i asked a longtime former friend about her (her hubby), and he said no, she didnt have a kid. now, i wish she had … becuase, at least then, there’d be something left to remind me of her love for me, long gone now, only in my memories does her love exist. i still to this day, carry her picture in my wallet.

so, i get older, and look back upon my life, and wonder. if someone asked me what was the best part of my life? I would answer, Christine L Collins by far. From the 1st time she held my hand in the 1980s, to the last time we made out in 1994, she remains to this day, the only long term relationship i’ve had, except for in my mind (lauren and Jennifer too). For years, she served me as kind of a pseudo wife. Though she was married to someone else the whole time, anytime i needed some love, she satisfied my needs for comfort, love, and caring. she was the most playful, caring, loving, beautiful, and soft, shapely woman I have been with. her friendship crossed all bounds, and had i had my werewithall, and knowledge of just how awesome she was to me, i would have married her from teh beginning, instead of taking 7-8 years to finally want to marry her. by then it was too late.

well, i miss her, and i so desperately want her to know i still love her. i miss her kiss, her playful hands, and tickling her feet. she was 1 in a billion, and my perfect match for all time. i can only hope, she finds this message in a bottle, thrown into the ocean of the internet. I love you Christine still to this very day

“(Will you ever let me go….?”)”
So we made love
More than once
And for a while
I thought we’d be parents
To be her husband
Was all I wanted
To be a dad
Was something
I’d hoped she provide
For seven years or so
I knew her
Loved her every time
I saw her smile
She was better each time

That I saw her
We played together

At 27
I was hooked
On her kisses
Her love

To be hers forever
Was my intention
I dreamt of our life together
And couldn’t stand to be apart from her
For so many years
She could have me
As she too dreamt
We teased each other
Day and night
For years and years
Till we finally acted
On our primal urges
My love for her
Meant more then life itself
I was meant for her
And to be hers
Was all I wanted

Then one day
We had a date
I was so excited
It was that special day
When couples proclaim their love
For each other
And so I bought
Some champagne
And some cards
and wrote on it
my very thoughts
of being with her
was my desire

in my letter
I spelled it all out
I wanted a life with her
And was finally ready
To make it so with her
But she did a turn about
And threw me out
It was cold
And I left my gloves there
Telling her just how
Bad her declining of my offer
Killed me so
So I went out
And headed home
Crying all the way
Not caring
If I made it home or not

Two days later
It was over
She had called
To tell me
She couldn’t see me any longer
And could not care about me
No more
Those words tore through me
And tore me in half
And I wept
And on the inside
Died

It wouldn’t be long
Not even two short years later
That I had enough of life
I couldn’t stand to be
Without her love
And so I decide
In ‘96
I’d had enough
And ended this life
To escape the pain
Undying
Of knowing her kiss
And her love
She used to have for me
And that in one day
She took back

And so to my surprise
I woke up to life
The very next morning
My first waking thought
Was of Christine
Her hug of me I felt
And I cried
I had not died
After all
But inside
I might as well have been so
For life to me
Was no life worth living

Still
My new found life
Was a gift
A second chance at life
Or so I thought
A new career would soon spring forth
To be a professor was my choice
Of course
I gave my 1st lecture
In ‘86
I should not have had to wait
Til ’01 to give my next
Such a waste of time and talent
Would be a recurring thought

So now my birthday

My 44th in this life
And my thoughts turn once more
To my past loves
e

Its been now 15 years since she tossed me out the door
When I look back on my time of this life
She was the best part
My relationship with her
Lasted longer than all the rest combined
Except for Lauren and Jennifer
Whom have been within me long term

Whom I adore
And yet
I look back
And see nothing but waste land
Aside from my job
Which I’ve self destructed on many times
Still til this day
Over losing her love
It still kills me
To this very day
To be without her love
I think of the past 15 years
I could have spent with her
Whether as her lover
Husband
Or father to our children
Its all I wanted out of life
And now that I’m 44
What a waste life has been
To have come so close
When ‘I was 28
To marrying and having kids of my own

Every night she isn’t beside me
Every morning without her voice or kisses
Makes every day
Sad for me

So now its been 15 long painful years
I still cry over losing her
Still do

To be with her
Is all I wish
She was the best part of life
To have gone so long without her

Whats so hard to bear

Theres been no one like her
She was all I lived for
And my love for her
Has gotten stronger
Now that I have lived so much life
Alone
Without a wife and family of my own
It just goes to show
Just how special she was
Inside and out
And the worst thing of all
Is she loved me very much
Enough to give of herself

Til I showed up
And ruined the very thing
I lived life for
Knowing that I am to blame
That had I not shown up
It would have lasted longer
And whom knows
We might even had had a child

To love me for years
And in an instant no more

And worse of all
Is not only did I lose her love
All those years ago
She hasn’t cared one shit for me
Since the very day
She tossed me out the door
Where the day before
She had love
That day
She had none

And so as another birthday comes once more

I’ve spent my entire 30s
And early 40s alone
Without my wife and kids
So much life
Wasted

what might have been

So much potential we had
We never fought or fight
We only had fun, laughter, love, and life together
And in a moment
All because I stopped on by
Her love for me died

For to have had such love
That was taken away
And so much time
Gone by

Would she even know

Does she think of me at all
Does she remember the good times
I think of them all the time
And it makes me cry – every day now, and even nights
For I could have had
The past 15 years
With her
Making memories of love, joy, and family fun

I’ve heard nothing from her since
Its been 15 years of heartache

so now that my birthday has come and gone
I’m sad to the bone
to be still alone
and theres been no one
like her
in all my life
before or since
that held her passion
playful
and relaxing
my love for her still endures
unlike hers
who took her love from me in an instant

now that i am 44
its too late to start a family
my life was squandered without her
those 15 years
i could have had
as a husband and a father
its all i wanted
now its no bother
because i am now too old

so all i have is my work
my job
my career
and my love of photography
but my birthday wish
was for her to see my list
and read my ode to her
so she finally knows
my love for her endures

That said, she found me last year, and we have renewed a friendship from long ago.  She has 2 great daughters, and she is going through a separation.  Though I am not interested in pursuing a relationship other than friends, we do a lot together, and go places with her and her kids (now 13 and 21) often.  As great as it may seem, it actually has caused me to feel even worse about life than I had.

This past April, was my 40 something birthday.  As always, when i have a birthday, i view them as a time to assess my life so far.  And in doing so, I have realized just how much life i missed out on.

When Christine C decided in 1994, that she no longer cared about me, and turned down my blatant marriage proposal to her, so long in coming, my life ended on the inside for me.  Here she was, the most beautiful (well, until Jennifer in 1997!), and most loving woman, and most playful woman I have ever known in my entire life.  She satisfied my every need, and was like a surrogate wife to me all those years from 1986 through 1994, the only years i knew her (much to my despair).  In fact, we used to joke quite often and teased each other for years, prior to my falling in love with her, too late in her life to marry me.  I had really hoped she would someday marry me, or at the least, have kids with me, before I turned 30, and I was absolutely serious about that part of our playful encounters.

Anyway, by 1993, i knew i wanted to spend my life with her.  i would go to see her anytime i could, just to be in her presence, and to see her smile, hold her soft loving hands, and make her coo and purr, like i used to do, whenever i loved her.  She was the best i have known, even now, no one has been as soft, loving, shapely, beautiful, loving, or as playful as she was.  We were meant for each other, i was sure.  So, imagine my surprise, when she told me she didnt care about me that way, and i had to leave, when i finally put into words on paper, in 1994, of just exactly how i felt about her.  I left balling, and drove like 120 miles per hour, crying all the way home, to a future i no longer wanted.  For I had just blown the only love I had known.  Little did I know back in 1994, that though i would be with many women since losing Christine, that none, NONE, would do for me what she did in all the years i knew and loved her.

Well, the heartache was devastating to me.  I died on the inside, and went from job to job (15 in that time frame alone), not caring about life, myself, or anyone else.  I could bear no more pain, when within 2 years (1996), I chose to no longer wake up, if you know what I mean.  Two years was too many years without her love, without a life worth living.

For some reason, i woke up the next day.  My first thought was of her, then consciousness dawned upon me, and i realized my attempt had been futile.  Where do I go from here?

Fast forward to today, some 15 years after losing Christine.  Years 3-10 weren’t too bad to deal with, after all, when I decided to no longer be in this world, i guess those were fairly insignificant years on a personal level, though I did start a new teaching career, and almost finished my doctoral degree, before dropping out, and nearly married Gina, whom had 3 wonderful children out in Oregon.  However, all the women whom could have kids with me, like Jenny, Lauren, Dana, and so on, were not interested in me, or I had somehow blew it with them before it got to the level it had with Christine.  So, i survived, until this year.

For some reason, the 15th year without her has hit me as hard as 1996 was for me.  I feel the same now as then, even though I have a decent job, good students, and even have a home.  To truly understand this, one needs to see just what sparked this saddness this, of all years.

Being 44 now, sucks.  Too old for the 25-33 crowd I have loved my entire life.  My entire life, as an adult, has been spent with women in that age bracket, until the past 2 years.  The problem with 40+ year old women, is that they dont want to start a new family, chances are they are just in the process of graduating their own kids.  The past few women i have gone out had adult kids, which makes me feel awful about my empty wasted life.  The women i wanted to marry when i was 20, 25, 27, 28, 32, 37 and so on, all were young enough to have more kids, or had none and could have kids in the future.  Now, the only women I can pick up are old like me, all whom live a life as a parent of kids, from birth to adulthood.  And me, with no kids, no wife, no family, missed out on all that life.  Aside from my job, the past 10 years as a college professor, (and a brief stint as a middle school teacher too), my life has been completely empty.

Now that i have some friends that i have connected with, it shows me how much life i truly missed as a parent with the women i wanted to have kids with back in the 1980s or 1990s.  Life passed me by.  And the more plays i go to, or concerts, or dinners with my friend and her kids, the more fun I have, the worse I end up feeling in the long run. because I don’t have that of my own.  I soooooo wanted to marry and have kids with Christine, or Jenny, or Trisha, or Kelly, or some blonde chick from 1988, etc, etc, etc.  And yet, it didn’t happen.  None of those women i wanted to be with gave a shit about me other than to go out with me a few times (or not).  Only Jenny gave me a chance to be with her, if you know what i mean, but i blew it with her before we took it to the next level.  Aside from Gina, whom couldn’t have kids, and D, whom didn’t want kids, there’s been no real chance of having my own set of kids.

I used to have so much fun with Christine, unlike nearly anyone else since losing her.  Though I have fun with Gina’s kids, i bonded more with them than her in the short time i was with them.  Gee, the one kid even started calling me dad.  That still brings tears to my eyes occasionally.  I never played with anyone as much as I did Christine.  For years, we were like grown kids, playing games with each other, having so much fun, and love, holding hands and making out, until love got in the way, and destroyed what i valued more than anything else on earth.

And so i close this meditation, with the lasting memory of her love and the good times we had.  Juxtaposed with the good times from 1986 – 1994, are the totally empty years of 1995-now.  Although i get to experience second hand some of what i missed out on with my friends and their kids, my personal life, on a deeply personal level (not professionally), was a waste of time and talent.  I had so much love to give, to both my wife and my kids.  And yet, none of those that i wanted to, took me up on the offer of marriage, or, those i considered marriage with, i blew or left.  So, my life has been empty of love, empty of happiness, and empty of meaning on a personal level.  I feel as bad as i did in 1996.  It is preciously because i no longer am 27 years old, with a future worth living as a potential husband and father.  No, it is because I am now 44, not having had the opportunity to marry and have kids with whom i wanted to back when i was young enough and in good enough health to have started my own family.  Now, i feel old, am too old to marry those i want to, and even if i were to somehow miraculously get back with those i love deeply, they too are now in their late 30s or early to mid 40s also, and they don’t want kids, or they are looking for a grandpa to their kid’s- kids.  So, as I contemplate what it means to be 44, I look back on life, and think — wow, what was the best part of life?  Well, aside from my job, the very best part of life, was my every second i spent with Christine.  Aside from a few brief moments with Gina and her kids, and my friend’s kids now, as far as what was the best times of my life, period, they were with Christine.  I miss and treasure her in her entirety.  And so now I cry all the time, for months on end now, nearly every day, as I think of how 15 years of life, could have been worth something, had she married me, stayed my lover, or at least stayed my best friend on earth.  And i do wish, we had had kids together, even if she didn’t marry me, i wish some life had come from our relationship, a symbol of her love for me that she used to have, until she told me she didn’t care about me any more.

So, i wonder to myself, if the very woman i was meant for hasn’t thought of me, or cared about me all these years, why should I care about me either?  If she was the only reason for being, and she has been gone all these years, how long can i go on myself?  I do feel like 1996, if only because of the life i should have had.  I still, to this day, wonder why I woke up all those years ago.  It hurts so much, to know she doesn’t care, when she used to love to be atop of me.  Had I not shown up to satisfy my needs for her love the day she told me to stay home, maybe we’d still be together holding hands, and making out.  The hardest thing of all, is that in that one day,  I blew it, and she took her love from me and booted me out the door.  I blew it with her.  Knowing that i didn’t have to go over that day, i could have waited, yet i didn’t, means it was my fault that she said good bye.  And with that kind of pain, I only lasted 2 years – til 1996, when i said goodbye to this world.  Is 2009 1996 all over again?  Only time will tell.  But given the enormity of what I lost, all these 15 years of love, family, wife, kids, friends, etc.  I so hate myself for blowing it with her.  I so hope she reads this soon.

Christine Collins and Jenny with me always

And so, here it is, some 15 years later, and I put into writing what i hope she will someday find.  My love for her continues, to this very day, undiminished, and in fact, even grown, given that so long has gone by, with no one as perfect to me as she was, whom actually gave me love (though there have been crushes on some women since that are as great as her, but could care less about me!).

So, join me in  this quest, as a periodically wax about the women i love, still love, and miss with all my heart.  i am heartbroken even now, as i write this, for so long has passed with no hope of finding such love again.  My life for me, has come and gone, and life passed me by.  With no wife and no kids, i missed out on the very best part of life, something which i had a taste of when she loved me as she did – that of family.

I close this brief intro into this blog, by saying i am a broken man, who has been wounded by love, trying to find a reason for being, aside from my job as a college professor.  Although such a life is extremely rewarding on a personal level, (though financially a disaster!), i would trade this life to have had one with her or the others i so wanted to marry and have a family of my own with all those years ago.  Now, it is too late.