Life without whom I want

Well, life just keeps going, passing me by.  Although I’ve been with a ton of women over the years, and i would love to have married quite a few of them and had kids with them, if things had worked out, I really only have been in love with four women in my entire life.  Christine, Jenny (I have no clue of her last name), Lauren L, and Suzie.  Of these 4 women, I only had the chance to have a decent relationship with Christine and Suzie, both of who are or were my friends.  In fact, for me, I’ve had a habit of turning my girlfriends into “friends with benefits” in the past, and that suits my personality best.  For me, I’m looking for a woman that I can play with, have fun with, and yet have a sexual relationship with as well.  of the four women I love, only Christine gave me that Opportunity.  Suzie maintains firm friend bounds, and Jenny I blew it with at her college graduation party some dozen years ago.  Lauren was the only one that I really felt connected to Prior to trying to start a relationship with.  Yet she turned me down, even though I had already planned on how I was going to propose to her.  Of the 4 women I truly love with every ounce of my soul, only Christine and I took it to the next level so to speak.  Of the 4 women, only Suzie gives a crap about me any longer – having lost Christine 14 years ago when she threw me out the door, Jenny the night of  her graduation party, Lauren the last day I saw her at school about 1/2 a decade ago.

Recently I had a chance to reconnect with some of them, and yet, seems that Lauren wants nothing to do with me.  Considering she is in my top 4 women of all time, and certainly likely number 2 or 3 on the sexyness factor, crushes me again.  So, each day of life that goes by without the very women I want most, kills me inside a little more and more each passing wasted day.